For the Love of Wyatt

"Build me a son, whose heart will be clear, whose goals will be high, a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men, one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget to weep, one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past."

unknown "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body."

Elizabeth Stone

For the Love of Jason

"For you see, each day I love you more. Today, more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."

Rosemonde Gerard

"A woman knows the face of the man she loves like a sailor knows the open sea."

Honore de Balzac

Forever in My Heart

I love this picture of my dad. It's not the first time I have seen him laugh, but it is an occurrence I can probably count on one hand. My dad does not just let go and have a good hearty gut busting laugh. He chuckles and smiles but never a leg slappin', pee your pants kind of laugh. We were camping with them and Dustin and Chris' family and they happened to be playing Rook. I love taking out my camera and snapping pictures of everyone having fun and being themselves. Those kind of pictures capture the true essence of our lives, our very souls in fact. Posing is a conscious act. Candid photos capture us as our "real" selves. For all my dad's supposed gruffness, this is what is truly underneath. This picture will forever be stamped in my heart. I'll never forget the way he looks here.

What Once Was Lost, Now is Found!

Have you ever found a five dollar bill in your pocket and got super excited, like you had just won the Power Ball? Well today, I felt that same emotion, except I didn't have to split it with fifty other people and no long lost relatives starting revealing themselves. A while back I had misplaced my flash card for my camera. I don't know if any of you have ever done this before, but upset was a nice word for what I felt. After a few months I decided it had gone to the Island for Lost, Overexposed, and Computer Crashed Memories. I was just starting to come to accept my loss and move on. You see, losing pictures really sucks, but losing the pictures of your son's first day of Kindergarten, his sixth birthday when he got his 4-wheeler he's been asking for since he could talk, the camping trip when he caught a whistle pig aka. gopher (no joke, but that will be another blog), my dad actually with a full blown laugh (there are hardly any pictures of him looking this carefree, truly it is a rare occurrence to catch on film), my last photo shoot with Wyatt giving me a normal non-strained cheese smile (we've all seen our kids do it) minus the veins poking out in his neck and many other small but very special to my heart memories.

Too my utter and total surprise today, while I was in the office waiting for Jason, I just happened to flip open the flash disk cover on the printer, and what before my wondering eyes did appear? Why a small black flash disk I had thought long gone, not very near! Do you know how many times I have used that stupid printer and not thought to look there! All those long agonizing weeks of searching every nook and cranny of my little abode, to no avail, flashed before my eyes. Why the heck would it be under my couch? Why not in a place like a printer that holds flash disks? Uuuhhhggg, between jumping up and down and smacking my head for not thinking of it months ago, my joy was almost as great as when I discovered I had not actually lost Wyatt in Barnes and Noble. (Well not quite as good but almost, since I kind of felt like I had lost him somewhere between Summer of 08 and his sixth birthday, which technically is a much longer period of time, right?) It has been the highlight of my day and I was having a particular crappy day up to that point. Maybe the Lord decided I needed a break. Maybe He just wanted to see me smile and realize life can't be that bad.

I think if we could all have an unexpected surprise everyday we would all be a more joyful people. But then again, maybe we do have unexpected surprises all the time. They just go unnoticed by our short sightedness and tunnel vision. I have decided that I would like to open my eyes more and discover those little unexpected surprises. Besides who likes to have such narrow vision anyways?

Some of My Favorite Quotes on Adversity

A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials. ~Chinese Proverb

"The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place--stepping stones to further growth and attainment." -Richard G. Scott, "The Atonement Can Secure Your Peace and Happiness," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 41.

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward. ~Henry Ford

Not everything which is bad comes to hurt us. ~Italian Proverb

The stars are constantly shining, but often we do not see them until the dark hours. ~unknown

"Our trials can either end up hardening our heart or humbling us. How true the saying that suffering in life is inevitable, but misery is of our own making. In other words, because of the plan that we all agreed upon in the pre-mortal life, we are going to suffer, whether we want to or not. However, if you can find how to suffer that tribulation in the Redeemer's name, you will bear it well and perhaps even do it with an understanding, happy heart." -Elder Gene R. Cook," BYU Devotional", February 1, 2005.

Confessions of a Blogger Wannabe

Okay, every time I sit down to blog I can't seem to figure out what to blog about. I've decided either my life is very boring or I experience blogger's block as frequently as I'm experiencing bad hair days anymore. Thanks to the fact that I left my good straightener at my sister's house a few weeks ago and my hair has gone into complete straightener with drawls. Not only does it have a mind of it's own but it is rebelling! I have honestly sat down and had blog envy. Why does everyone else's life look so stinkin' exciting? I think I must be like the dog who chases his tail. He thinks he's getting somewhere, when in fact he's only running in circles. Problem is, even the stupid dog is having fun! I'm looking through my photos to find something interesting to show everyone and realize, I have not taken a single photo since Christmas. I used to take photos of Wyatt and my surroundings almost every other day, just goofing around and practicing with my camera. I think I must have gotten confused somewhere along the way and decided the only reason I should take a picture is to capture a large event. What about the moments though? To be frank I don't really care so much about the big events. It's the moments that bring back the bittersweet memories. Somewhere along the road of fertility I think I've forgotten about me. I used to scrapbook and take great photos and laugh a lot and yell less. I didn't work so much. I made dinner almost every night and we sat at the dining table. I know our mealtime has changed because when I tell Wyatt to come eat, he sits at the counter instead of the table.

Then it hits me, what the heck am I complaining about? There are no rules to blogging! I am not breaking a blogging code by only putting thoughts and no flippin' pictures. This is not to say I don't enjoy looking at your pictures, and that I will not be putting photos on my blog in the near future. I know this in not headline news for the rest of you, but I feel like I've had a breakthrough and my blogging cramp has now been cured. Please don't feel obligated to read every word I may type. To be honest, on some days it may just be word vomit and unrecognizable to anyone but myself because I know what I've been eating. Only the one vomiting will be able to see something unique about what comes out of them. (Sorry if I'm grossing you out, did I not warn you about word vomit. We don't always choose when we need to spew.) So enough of the Wayne's World talk and on to my main point. I am on a mission. No I will not be proselyting to the world wide web. I am on a mission to recover the parts of me that I have lost. Some things I may not even know are gone, because that is just a part of life. We all change and grow. Nothing stays the same. But, I do know there are things I wish I was doing and can't seem to remember how. Some of it was so connected to me that it almost feels like I've forgotten something, something as familiar as tying my shoe. Here is a list of what I intend to find: my creativity, my enjoyment out of the little things in life and not letting them pass me by, my genuine smile, my sense of adventure, acceptance that we may not always get what we want in this life, my optimism, my love of a six year old little boy that I am without words to even express how thankful I am for him, my love of a good man who sticks with me even when I'm not at my best, but rather at my worst. No, I have never and will never stop loving them I just don't want to take it for granted anymore. I think I haven't loved them as much as I could because I've been too busy missing someone who isn't even here and may never be. Jas and Wy probably aren't even aware of it, but I am. I'm not proud to admit I have not been the person, mom or wife I know I should be let alone want to be, but I think that's what grief does to people. It makes them forget about the life they have right in front of their eyes. I think I have been very blind, blaming my discontent on being too busy, too tired or too sad. Have you ever heard the saying "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired?" I don't know who said it first but I wonder if they ever did anything about it? Who wants to look back at their life and think "if only I had been happy, things would have been different." Happiness is a state of mind it just has to be acknowledged. I think Robert Frost said it best, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on." And so will I.

Are Wii Having Fun Yet?

Wyatt got a Wii for Christmas and we took it down to Grandma and Grandpa Jones' house later that night. As you can see from the pics, everyone was having a good time. Dad kept declaring a rematch to mom since she was kicking his butt at boxing. I never would have believed a video game could make you physically tired, but the next day everyone was complaining about being sore.

Chris was taking everyone down.

Clone Wars. The queen won.

Synchronized Boxing?

Ya gotta give him points for tryin'!