Okay, every time I sit down to blog I can't seem to figure out what to blog about. I've decided either my life is very boring or I experience blogger's block as frequently as I'm experiencing bad hair days anymore. Thanks to the fact that I left my good straightener at my sister's house a few weeks ago and my hair has gone into complete straightener with drawls. Not only does it have a mind of it's own but it is rebelling! I have honestly sat down and had blog envy. Why does everyone else's life look so stinkin' exciting? I think I must be like the dog who chases his tail. He thinks he's getting somewhere, when in fact he's only running in circles. Problem is, even the stupid dog is having fun! I'm looking through my photos to find something interesting to show everyone and realize, I have not taken a single photo since Christmas. I used to take photos of Wyatt and my surroundings almost every other day, just goofing around and practicing with my camera. I think I must have gotten confused somewhere along the way and decided the only reason I should take a picture is to capture a large event. What about the moments though? To be frank I don't really care so much about the big events. It's the moments that bring back the bittersweet memories. Somewhere along the road of fertility I think I've forgotten about me. I used to scrapbook and take great photos and laugh a lot and yell less. I didn't work so much. I made dinner almost every night and we sat at the dining table. I know our mealtime has changed because when I tell Wyatt to come eat, he sits at the counter instead of the table.
Then it hits me, what the heck am I complaining about? There are no rules to blogging! I am not breaking a blogging code by only putting thoughts and no flippin' pictures. This is not to say I don't enjoy looking at your pictures, and that I will not be putting photos on my blog in the near future. I know this in not headline news for the rest of you, but I feel like I've had a breakthrough and my blogging cramp has now been cured. Please don't feel obligated to read every word I may type. To be honest, on some days it may just be word vomit and unrecognizable to anyone but myself because I know what I've been eating. Only the one vomiting will be able to see something unique about what comes out of them. (Sorry if I'm grossing you out, did I not warn you about word vomit. We don't always choose when we need to spew.) So enough of the Wayne's World talk and on to my main point. I am on a mission. No I will not be proselyting to the world wide web. I am on a mission to recover the parts of me that I have lost. Some things I may not even know are gone, because that is just a part of life. We all change and grow. Nothing stays the same. But, I do know there are things I wish I was doing and can't seem to remember how. Some of it was so connected to me that it almost feels like I've forgotten something, something as familiar as tying my shoe. Here is a list of what I intend to find: my creativity, my enjoyment out of the little things in life and not letting them pass me by, my genuine smile, my sense of adventure, acceptance that we may not always get what we want in this life, my optimism, my love of a six year old little boy that I am without words to even express how thankful I am for him, my love of a good man who sticks with me even when I'm not at my best, but rather at my worst. No, I have never and will never stop loving them I just don't want to take it for granted anymore. I think I haven't loved them as much as I could because I've been too busy missing someone who isn't even here and may never be. Jas and Wy probably aren't even aware of it, but I am. I'm not proud to admit I have not been the person, mom or wife I know I should be let alone want to be, but I think that's what grief does to people. It makes them forget about the life they have right in front of their eyes. I think I have been very blind, blaming my discontent on being too busy, too tired or too sad. Have you ever heard the saying "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired?" I don't know who said it first but I wonder if they ever did anything about it? Who wants to look back at their life and think "if only I had been happy, things would have been different." Happiness is a state of mind it just has to be acknowledged. I think Robert Frost said it best, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on." And so will I.
3 comments:
I hope you know how wise you are...you have now figured out what most people never do. I think I've told you this before, but you have a beautiful gift of writing !
I think you are very good at blogging. I think the same things sometimes that I don't have pictures to put on but I think you blog whatever you want to blog about without pictures. You are very good at writing. It's fun reading your thoughts and quotes and everything.
Hailey, I just have to say, "You're Awesome" and I love your blog. I don't care if you put pictures or not. At least you blog. That's more than I can say for me. I think Halloween was my last one. You are learning so much, probably more than the rest of us and I thank you for sharing. I needed it. Thanks!!!
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